The Better Guy

Query breakdown

by Dan Krokos on Sep.10, 2009, under The Better Guy, Writing

Since the query for THE BETTER GUY appeared on Queryshark, I’ve received a lot of comments and questions. People admitted that even though it wasn’t their genre, the query itself was pretty strong. I’m inclined to agree since it got me my first pick of agents.

I’ve decided to break the query into its parts and explain how I created it. I do not claim to be a master of queries–I’ve only written two or three. I’m only going to explain what worked for me.

Here’s the query again:

Ford Kelly spends his days driving an ambulance and his nights driving the getaway car for his uncle the contract killer. But when his uncle dies mid-contract, Ford has two choices: also die, or convince his new employers he knows more about taking lives than saving them.

The contract? Snuff out a ring of dirty cops who demand hush money after stumbling across a new drug being prepared for the street. The problem? The last cop on the list is Ford’s wife, who left him after the death of their son a year ago. That’s when Ford discovers how good at killing he really is.

Got that? Let’s look at the first paragraph.

“Ford Kelly spends his days driving an ambulance and his nights driving the getaway car for his uncle the contract killer.”

First sentence, I introduced a character. Not only that, I told you something interesting and conflicty (I know that isn’t a word). He drives an ambulance and a getaway car.

Let’s continue.

“But when his uncle dies mid-contract, Ford has two choices: also die, or convince his new employers he knows more about taking lives than saving them.”

Conflict. We have a main character and what issues he will face in the first two sentences.

“The contract? Snuff out a ring of dirty cops who demand hush money after stumbling across a new drug being prepared for the street.”

Okay. Guess it’s kinda cool. He’s gotta kill some cops of whatever and there’s a new drug, whatever that means.

I included these sentences to set up the next two:

“The problem? The last cop on the list is Ford’s wife, who left him after the death of their son a year ago.”

More conflict. So now he’s forced into the shoes of a contract killer AND his wife is on the list. But she left him? Do they still love each other? Is he going to kill her or rescue her or what? Isn’t that a coincidence, he’s handed a contract his wife just happens to be on?

Everyone who read this query before submission had questions. They were interested. Pile conflict on conflict.

I will admit this part could be better. Maybe other agents wouldn’t have appreciated the vagueness. After all, whether he kills his wife or saves her are two different stories. When in doubt, be as clear as possible.

Then I finished up with a little zinger:

“That’s when Ford discovers how good at killing he really is.”

That’s it. Short and sweet. Was it easy to write? Nope. I revised it while I was writing drafts of the novel. I’d come back to it and move things around and boil away the crap until only the strongest words and sentences remained.

Keep in mind, I didn’t summarize the entire novel. I showed the setup. A summary of the whole novel is called a synopsis, which is an entirely different monster.

This worked for me.

Thought I’d share.

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